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Koyasan | Deuter
New Earth Records Blog
FEBRUARY 2009
How to Stop the Yo-Yo of Self Esteem
By Anando
Let's take a break momentarily from my presentation of the 'Four Keys to Happiness' and look at self esteem. Why is it that one minute we can be feeling fine about ourselves, but as soon as someone criticizes us (or our work), or rejects us in some way, our self confidence starts to crumble? And maybe you have noticed that even if nine people tell you how great you are, if one person says something that hints that they don't approve of you, that's the one that gets you. Isn't it strange? Well, not really.
It is because that one negative comment touches an old child belief, which we may not even be consciously aware of, that we are not good enough as we are. If we didn't already have such a belief buried in the unconscious, we wouldn't be affected by someone else alluding to it. We could simply tell ourselves, 'That's not true' or 'That's their problem', or 'That shows something about them, not about me'.
But we don't, do we? We immediately feel stung by the one negative comment. The next time something like that happens to you, watch how your energy immediately deflates.
How does this unconscious mechanism manage to have such an influence over us?
During our most formative years, most of us knew what it felt like to have been on the receiving end of judgments, from our teachers, our peers, and from within our own families.
And well meaning though they might have been, these pressures to be or become something we were not, profoundly affected us...whether we liked it or not.
The causes themselves may have disappeared long ago, but the scars still exist. Scars from feeling pressured, directly or indirectly, to perform better or try harder, maybe from feeling abandoned or emotional deprived, or from being ridiculed or shamed. And the fear and shame still exist, stored in the body's memory and in the unconscious mind.
Most of us found our own way to cover this up, sometimes with a special personality or with our achievements, but whenever we are in vulnerable or insecure situations, those old ideas and hurts are triggered, and we find ourselves with emotional or energetic reactions which just seem to take us over.
That's when we find ourselves hesitating to go for what we want, judging and doubting ourselves, and putting pressure on ourselves to try harder. When we are in these situations, we don't rest easy with ourselves, we are not comfortable with our sense of self, of who we are. We are constantly seeing ourselves through the eyes of others: Do they accept us? Are we good enough? Have we made the right impression?
Unconsciously we are always trying to be accepted and loved. Which makes us dependant on others for our own self-image. In other words, it makes us beggars. Trying to please others, we will do things we might not otherwise have done, in order to get them to like or accept or respect or appreciate us. And thus we lose our integrity, we lose our dignity, and we lose our self-respect.
And unfortunately, if deep inside we don't really love and accept ourselves as we are, imperfect and all, we cannot really love anyone else. AND...we will not allow anyone else to love us or get too close to us, not really. We will let someone get only so close, but no closer, in case they discover that we are not as great as we seem.
So, how can we become free from the tyranny of these old beliefs?
We were not born with these negative ideas. Do you really think you popped out of your mother's womb and immediately felt 'Omigod, I am a mistake, I am wrong. I am not good enough as I am, I need to be different for people to love and respect me'?
And if you think about it, what does it matter what others think about you? You are a perfectly unique creation of existence: existence loved you enough to create you, so why should you have to prove yourself to others?
Imagine, if you totally accepted, loved and respected yourself, just as you are, (i.e., without becoming perfect or even just a 'better person') would anything be a problem?? Well, would it?
Rationally, it is clear. But these old ideas are not rational, they are not even conscious. One way to access them, deep in the unconscious, is to use the image of the small child you once were - the small child who learned these beliefs. In a sense, that child is still running your life, because the reactions you have when you feel criticized are the reactions of the child inside, not the grown-up.
If you can access that unconscious space again, you have the chance to change those old beliefs and heal those old scars.
A first step is to become aware of the limiting beliefs you are carrying about yourself - to dig them all out of your unconscious and acknowledge that yes, these are the recorded messages of self-judgment and fear that keep replaying in my head. Seeing that already starts to take some of their charge away, because their power over you comes from your allowing them to run unconsciously, hidden. Looking at them consciously and clearly, you should be able to recognize that these are the beliefs you picked up as a child. And you will become aware that no matter how grown up you think you are, inside, that child you once were is still unconsciously there. Affecting your behavior. Informing your choices. Motivating your life.
Acknowledging and understanding this child inside is the beginning of self love, self respect. It is also the beginning of a more authentic and compassionate life, because this child holds the keys to so much that is missing in your life today, including love and intimacy.
If you can start to give that child the respect and acceptance and yes the love, that it is desperately looking for, then you won't have to be a beggar for these things from others any more. And let's face it, you are the only person who can take care of that child and help him or her to relax and feel OK, because you are the only one who really understands them. You can search for ever for the right person to take care of you in the way that you need. But unfortunately, no-one else can replace your mother or father.
If you take care yourself of your own child needs for respect and love, then you will have the opportunity to see that those old unconscious and painful beliefs are no longer relevant in your life today. That will in turn allow you to move on and see how it is to live life from a different, more positive perspective.
It is, of course, not as easy as it sounds, because we are very identified with that child space - we think these reactions belong to us, the grown-up. Try it! You have nothing to lose but your lack of self respect.
Anando is one of the ASHA Foundation (UK) list of 240 'influential, inspiring women from all walks of life and from around the world who are outstanding in their fields.' She was a successful lawyer (USA & Australia) and businesswoman who headed to India in the mid-seventies for a 2-week visit to the infamous ashram of Osho. She stayed for thirty years, becoming part of Osho's personal household.
She now travels the world, teaching meditation and other techniques for transforming your life. Her book 'YES' is available through her Web site: www.lifetrainings.com
Comments on this blog are welcome, as well as ideas, inspirations, and feedback on albums and artists... please email us at office@newearthrecords.com !
